Category Archives: Miscellaneous Thoughts

Fighting a Losing Battle.

Do you hear that?
Can you sense that?
Listen closely to the fading
beat of my heart
Listen closely
to the fading
beat
Beat… beat… bea… 


How often must we die inside
How often must we hurt
Before
we realize
How many tears need to be shed
Before
we realize
The battle has already been lost

Our love
is approaching death’s door.

 

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A Final Goodbye.

Earlier on in this blog I wrote a poem for my biological father in hopes that he would see it.  Update, no he has not see it.  In fact, he’s done everything in his power to erase me from his life completely.

For so long, I have let him ruin me.  I let him poison my mind with thoughts that I wasn’t good enough. Let’s face it, if I wasn’t good enough for him, why should I be good enough for anyone else right?  WRONG.  It took me a really long time to realize it but I AM good enough.  I have to at least believe that.

So cheers to you “dad” and all of the baggage that comes with being your daughter.  Cheers to you for your abandonment.  Cheers to you writing me every once in a great while.  But most of all, cheers to you for showing me how great I am.  Because I am freaking awesome, and if you can’t see that, then best of luck.

If by chance you do check out my blog after all these years, here is your goodbye. From the daughter you never bothered to get to know.  From a broken soul reaching out for you.  From the strong person that rose from that broken soul.  Goodbye, dad.

Amidst the Doubt

Somewhere
There you stay
With your new wife and your other kid
I’m supposed to call you Dad
But somehow, that just doesn’t seem right
We talk formally
Father and daughter?
No
Business associates seems more appropriate

Yet
In the midst of all that
I still hope

Hope that someday you’ll see
Hope that someday you’ll notice
There’s another kid in the picture
She’s begging for you to listen
Begging for you to see

You avert your eyes to your sin
You carry on as if I don’t exist
No calls on my birthday
No visits or I love you’s
Only phone calls
Every other year

Yet
In the midst of all that
I still hope

How to Love- Katie Cotugno

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RATING: 5 of 5 stars

I have never done a book review before; I’m not sure what goes where and all that other technical good stuff so I’ll just be giving you a basic summary of the book and my rating.  Take note that my ratings are personally based so yeah, it’s not like “professional” or anything (does that even make sense?)…

I personally dislike it when people tend to give out the whole book and then I feel like I’ve already read it, so when I say “basic summary of the book”, I mean super basic.

The book is basically another take on Juno, where a girl gets pregnant as a teen and has to deal with the consequences of her actions.  The book goes back and forth between the past and the present.  Of course, this book is a beautifully complicated love story between two people but it is so much more than that.  I think this is a story of embracing the future and coming to terms with one’s past, much more than it is a love story.

Although I didn’t find myself crying, I did find myself moved.  In my opinion, it’s a book’s ability to move a reader that makes it worth reading.  For this reason, I give this book a fantastic 5/5.

Pizza Slices and A Whole Buncha’ Thoughts

Yesterday, I reached some newfound clarity.  Have you ever just wondered to yourself, What the hell are you doing to yourself you idiot… Well that’s the thought that came to my mind yesterday. 

What, in the hell, are you doing to yourself Chrissy?

I was reading a book that my mom left stranded on the table next to the box of pepperoni pizza, The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson.  Now, this book wasn’t just your average self help books where you only think about changing your life; IT ACTUALLY SPOKE TO ME!  Figuratively speaking of course, we all know books can’t talk. 

In this book, there were so many people who experienced some sort of life changing experience because they took to meaning what the book was really trying to get you to see: the truth.  Are you truly happy with your life right now, or are you just another nameless person living life just to live it? 

I’m young, but I’ve got an old soul (or at least I think I do).  Many times, I see people just going through the motions.  At the grocery store.  At the mall.  At the movies.  I even do it.  Not once, had I ever encountered someone so full of life.  So full of heart.  Someone who would smile at you just because!  Most times, wondering the grocery store, people just have a glassy look to them…  Like they’re there, but they aren’t really THERE.  As I said earlier, just going through the motions.  Just living life to live it. 

I figured, hell, I don’t wanna end up like that.  So at around 10pm, I made a decision- I’m going to try to help myself.  I’m going to try to live life.  To truly live life, not just going through the motions.  I’ll keep you guys updated on my progress 🙂

And with that, I leave you with a tiny, but hopefully meaningful message: Don’t just live life to live it. Try to find something great in everything you see.